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[caligulas_aquarium]

this is eridan
aint here right noww so if its important just leavve a message
otherwwise fuck off

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[speakveryclearly]

Why would-- [--one of us leave, she almost asks, but then she realizes it, that he's implying it'd happen to her all over again, and it should have been obvious before, that if people came here and had their little disappearances all at random controlled by unseen forces, all uncannily similar to the way the doctors treated everyone, then of course they would leave at seemingly random too, she should have known, what did she even think the alternative was--

She has to be sure, though, before taking this into account. There has to be at least a hint of hope to destroy.]

Are you implying that people just disappear at the drop of a head covering here, too?

[caligulas_aquarium]

[He counts each of the following names out with his fingers as he says them.]

Sol, Kar', Nep', Gam' hawe been here twice.

Taw an' Wris' was here once.

Fef' came an' gone a' total a' three times.

Me' an' Eq' are the only ones who came once an' stayed, eight months straight.

[speakveryclearly]

[This has probably come up already - thinking back to the instance of Feferi she's almost sure it did - why didn't she remember it? If she's forgotten it before, it was probably on purpose because it's just - just such a painful idea.]

...So.

Compare the scenarios where one of us leaves - six Earth months from now, say. Nothing could change that - after that - we'd be apart from each other, regardless of how we acted prior. Would you rather spend the six months in the interim... just waiting for that, or having a friend.

Wait, I'm sure that was the wrong way to phrase that...

[caligulas_aquarium]

I'd rather wait.

[He...genuinely looks a little sad then, however briefly.]

Look, just - eweryone who shows up is gonna hate me from the getgo. Then ewentually they'll go back. Another one'll show up, they'll hate me again.

It's easier to just hate eweryone an' hawe them hate me than to build up a buncha friendships that won't last.

Cause they won't. I know they won't.

[Granted in the case of several trolls he wants nothing to do with them, and it's less than half the whole group he even would want to be friends with again.

Just saying everyone is a lot more dramatic.]

[speakveryclearly]

...

[There are so many promises she wants to make right now - But I'll never leave you, Eridan, it'd be so easy to say and if it were entirely her own choice it might even be true... but it isn't.]

...

[Dammit, she doesn't want to wait, but of course she can't just say this because he doesn't listen to her anymore DAMN IT ALL--]

I can't promise that our friendship would last... beyond... a departure.

But... [...damn... it...] You don't seem to accept or reject your other friendships on that account.

[caligulas_aquarium]

At least if the likes a' Ros' or Rox' gone an' came back they wouldn't just go "oh fuck it's Eridan again I hate that guy I don't want nothin' to do with him, why ain't he still dead."

I at least got some hope a' tryin' again.

[speakveryclearly]

[Ah yes an OPENING oh she's relieved he brought it up first--]

Do you think the other trolls would allow you to have that hope? Haven't you seen how they've already actually tried to turn Roxy against you? Wouldn't they be much more likely to succeed if she suddenly didn't know you and heard about everything that happened in the veil without any context?

[It'd take someone REALLY IN LOVE WITH HIM TO NOT CARE ABOUT THAT, just saying. Just. Saying.]

People have already told her that dating you is a mistake once. It's virtually guaranteed that they'd try to, as they saw it, "prevent her from making the same mistake again."

I'm sorry to say it, but dating her is hardly safer than being friends with me would be, if you're basing it on whether we disappear. The entire tragedy of termination is in its caprice. It could strike any one of us at any time. Even you, and then you wouldn't even be in a place to worry about whoever you'd left behind.

[caligulas_aquarium]

[Wow Kanaya make him hate everyone else even more why don'tcha.

Still.

Fuck.

She's right. Just losing her as a friend right now would be pretty bad since the quadrant's still new so it wouldn't be AS big a deal as it could be. But given enough time and it could matter. It could matter even more than it does right now.

He's so used to thinking alongside him, Equius, Feferi and Sollux are the only ones here. Only one of them is really liable of trying to ruin any potential friendship he could have with a new Roxy and even then he figured he'd be as much a stranger to her as Eridan would be. He could talk her into giving him a chance if it's just one guy.

But two? Three? Every single troll but him, even.

There'd be absolutely no chance.

Yeah he doesn't......really say anything he's thinking this over. And it hurts to think about.]

[speakveryclearly]

[It hurts to think about a lot. She knows this. She's looking at him intensively, thinking about this. She gives him a little while. Then she speaks up again, quietly.]

We shouldn't have to act like any of us could disappear. Then we'd need to act as if any of us could appear, and then we might as well act as if the demon is on our vestigial tails again.

You've really been avoiding the actual question of why you wouldn't want to have me be your friend. You've demonstrated already you would rather I continue doing you favors and services. I'd... offer to ply you with more clothing but even if you felt like you needed it you might have to finance it because the Masquerade approaching I've begun to run out of marques...

[caligulas_aquarium]

Cause I hate her, which ewen if you ain't you sorta got the exact same look a' her about you. You ewen sound exactly like her, for the most part act exactly like her aside obwiously wantin' my decapitated head on a nutrition plateau.

Is it really so hard to understand that lookin' at you really pisses me off cause a' what happened an' apparently I'm not allowed to feel that way, with you an' literally all the other trolls an' ewen my own matesprit tellin' me so.

An' that maybe it's just a really confusin' an' complicated situation that pisses me off I got no idea what to do with.

I mean if you hate someone an' you're not allowed to hate them cause they ain't them but they remind you of them in nearly ewery single way, what the fuck are you supposed to do.

Ewen if you were just, y'know, a regular troll it'd make it easier. But you're not.

[speakveryclearly]

[There's a solid two seconds of icy silence after he says that.]

We've discussed this before. I think you even in fact criticized me for doing exactly what you're doing right now.

But if you l... [She almost said love. She really came this close. In all honesty, "lo" would be a more accurate rendering.]

If you like someone, and you're not allowed to be their friend even though they remind you of them in almost every single way, what are you supposed to do.

[caligulas_aquarium]

I don't know.

[speakveryclearly]

[She touches the sheet of paper with the nicest drawing of the suit on it, "idly".]

[caligulas_aquarium]

Okay, fine, you don't gotta hate me.

[...]

Ewen if it's totally inewitable. But I won't try an' force you. Happy now.

[speakveryclearly]

[Continuing to cooooooly push the paper around until WAIT IS HE DOING THE THING WITH HIS FINGERS AND BLUSHING AND AND AND

HE SAID YES

SHE JUST PUSHES THE PAPER TOO MUCH AND PRACTICALLY FALLS OVER OH MY GOD

OKAY

OKAY GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER MARYAM JUST STAND UP AND]

Yes, Eridan. More than you know.

[In return, she will valiantly resist the urge to hug him.]

[caligulas_aquarium]

Good, well. Uh.

[Hm.]

So we're done now right, unless you'd like to once again how I could wake up tomorrow an' all my friends are gone.

Or I could be dead.

[Yep bitter. Kinda. He just couldn't end this on a good note.]

[speakveryclearly]

[Dammit Eridan NO SHE'S FORCING THIS TO END ON A GOOD NOTE]

And I'd be one of them.

Look at that, I'm gone right now.

[RAINBOW DRINKER DEPARTURE

YEAHHHHHH]

[caligulas_aquarium]

What? Hey, wait, that doesn't mean we're--!!

[Fuck, she's gone.

Stupid lousy no good superfast undead not-friend. >8(]